True Crime: The World’s Stupidest Criminals (And Their Glorious Fails)

Movies and the media would have us believe that criminals are all dashing renegades with flawless dentistry, skilfully orchestrating heists and robberies that are nothing short of impossible, thumbing their noses at the law as they go.

From Danny Ocean and his ever-expanding group of Über-thieves to The Four Horsemen of ‘Now You See Me’ using literal magic to pull off daring and exciting robberies, we root for these crooks, even when we’re meant to despise them, we can’t help but have a soft spot for them; how can anyone not respect the pure gamesmanship of Hans Gruber? Sure, he is a cold-blooded killer and thief, but God damn could the man plan a heist.

In the real world, however, con men are seldom as suave and sophisticated as those in The Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and robbers are hardly ever as charming as the crew in The Italian Job.

A lot of them are dumb.

From a terrorist trying to make a fast buck to a man who thought that lemon juice would make him invisible, here we look at the real-life criminals that make The Wet Bandits look like The Pink Panther and A. J. Raffles

David Zaback – The Guy Who Tried to Rob a Gun Shop

Brought a target pistol to a bullet buffet. Spoiler: it didn’t end well.

Turns out that waging a one-man crime spree is difficult, David Zaback found that his first, and last, attempt at an armed robbery was marred by a few rookie mistakes.  First of all, his choice of target was a gun store, H&J Leather & Firearms, located in Renton Highlands near Seattle, Washington.

In order to walk into the shop, he had to walk around a marked police car, the driver of which was having a coffee with his friend, the owner. He entered the store at 16:40 on February 3^rd, 1990, fired a few shots with his .22 target pistol – for those of us who aren’t up on these things it’s not a particularly good gun apparently – and announced his intention to rob the place, which had a number of (armed) customers, saying he would shoot anyone who moved.

Someone moved. The exact order of events is somewhat murky, there are some reports out there that say he ended up with so much lead in him he legally qualifies as a pencil, the most conservative estimate I could find was on Snopes.com and listed Zaback as receiving three shots to the chest and one to the arm, Zaback died in hospital four hours after the incident.

No further action was taken against the shooters.

Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller – The Sharpie Bandits

When in doubt, draw your mask directly on your face. Permanently.

In any enterprise, you want to minimise outgoings while maximising your income; this is true of all businesses, so why invest in expensive masks when you can disguise yourself more cheaply?  Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller’s ‘brilliant’ solution was to take a Sharpie and scribble over their faces.

So, a witness described two men with ‘painted faces’ driving away, and the hapless pair were swiftly pulled over. It turns out that the ‘permanent’ in Sharpie ‘permanent marker’ description isn’t just advertising. After trying and failing to remove their ridiculous disguises, McNelly, 23, and Miller, 20, were both charged with attempted second-degree burglary and released on bail in October 2009.

For those of you who are wondering, it would have taken 2-3 days for the ink to start to fade from the skin of the ‘sharpie bandits, ’ so a Halloween mask would probably have been a wise investment.

McArthur Wheeler and Clifton Earl Johnson – The Lemon Juice Ghost

Invisible to CCTV… in his own mind, anyway.

There is dumb, and then there is so dumb that you spark an entire theory of cognitive bias. You may have heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a tendency of some people, due to a complete lack of self-awareness, to assume they are highly skilled in an area about which – in reality – they know next to nothing.

The effect was named after Professor David Dunning and his graduate student Justin Kruger, who observed after reading about a pair of robbers, McArthur Wheeler and Clifton Earl Johnson, who committed 2 armed robberies in broad daylight on the 6^th January 1995, under full CCTV with nothing to hide their features except lemon juice. 

Wheeler was convinced that rubbing lemon juice on his face would make him invisible to CCTV. Wheeler was visibly shaken when the detectives showed him the footage, dumbfoundedly repeating “But I wore the lemon juice. I wore the lemon juice!” apparently the would be invisible man had tested the theory with a Polaroid and ether the camera malfunctioned or he simply had the camera with him not in the frame because he said he wasn’t in he picture when it developed.

Professor Dunning opined that “If Wheeler was too stupid to be a bank robber, perhaps he was also too stupid to know that he was too stupid to be a bank robber.” Wheeler was sentenced to 24 years and 6 months in prison after his partner in crime flipped on him for a lighter sentence.

Dennis Hawkins – The Clown with a Beard and a BB Gun

Disguise level: 10/10 effort, 0/10 execution.

Right on the other end of the spectrum, from no disguise at all to perhaps the most conspicuous outfit conceivable.  When choosing his wardrobe for his 2010 crime spree, 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock decided to add a little flair to the occasion and opted for a blond wig, large false breasts, and clown pants from a fancy dress costume. 

You might think that disguising yourself as the opposite gender is a good way to throw the fuzz off your trail, however, he also neglected to shave his beard off, thus somewhat taking away from the illusion he was a woman. Hawkins started his crime spree by shoplifting a BB gun, which he then employed to hold up a local bank.

Running from the bank, he tried to carjack a getaway vehicle.  The quick-thinking owner grabbed the keys and locked him inside the car… and then the die pack in the money that he stole exploded. He was detained at the scene and was later sentenced to 15 years in prison.

Paul James Sinclair – Finger Guns Don’t Count

Florida Man strikes again—armed with nothing but imagination.

Oh, Florida man! I wondered when you would show up on this list.

This particular iteration of one of the internet’s favourite memes came to life in the form of 53-year-old Paul James Sinclair, who, for want of a pistol, improvised by making a finger gun under his shirt. 

At around 13:30 on Monday, the 10^th of October 2022, Sinclair approached the teller of Chase Bank in Seminole, Tampa Bay region and warned them ‘Not to press any buttons.’ grabbing his haul – just $120 – Sinclair made a run for it and was apprehended by authorities just 10 minutes later. 

Described as a transient, he was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol at the time of his arrest. He is also awaiting a charge of arson, unrelated to the robbery.

Derrick Mosley – Batting Zero

Tried to rob a gun store. With a bat. You can guess the rest.

The etymology of the phrase ‘Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight’ can be traced back to David Mamet’s 1987 screenplay for The Untouchables – although some would argue that it comes from an old Texan expression, there is no citation of it prior to this film.

Derrick Mosley, a 22-year-old resident of Portland, Oregon, took this advice and decided that his personal arsenal for the heist he had planned in July of 2013, as well as a 9” knife, should also include a baseball bat.  A pretty intimidating set of weaponry, until you realise that his choice of target was a gun shop. Mosley dashed into the store, smashed a display case to make a grab for an (unloaded) handgun, all the while the bemused store owner drew his own gun and held the hapless robber at gun point forcing him to relinquish his pitiful weapons.

Mosley was arrested in short order and charged with first-degree robbery, first-degree theft, unlawful possession of a firearm, and second-degree criminal mischief.  Charges of being a complete moron are on hold for the moment.

Mohammad Ashan – The $100 Terrorist

Turned himself in to claim his own bounty. Genius.

Apparently, being the terrorist equivalent of a middle manager isn’t very well-paying, so one Taliban commander, Mohammad Ashan, decided to make a little money with a side hustle as a bounty hunter. His first bounty? Himself, genius!!

Ashan had seen wanted posters around town in Paktika province with his own photo on them and the princely sum of $100 or any information leading to the capture for his own involvement with at least two improvised-explosive-device attacks on US and Afghan troops.

Ashan walked, voluntarily, up to a checkpoint in Sar Howza in April 2012. Stunned by the sheer stupidity of the situation, the Afghan security called in the US forces, as Ashan was standing there, presumably, holding his own wanted poster in one hand his palm outstretched with his other.  The US sent a specialist, Matthew Baker, who incredulously asked the suspected terrorist, “Is this you?”.

Without missing a beat, Ashan replied, “Yes, yes, that’s me! Can I get my award now?”. 

No, mate, you can’t. 

What you can get is a cell with some bread and water.  Described as an ‘imbecile’ by US forces, the hapless insurgent was arrested on the spot and didn’t even get his $100.

Nathan Teklemariam and Carson Rinehart – The Butt-Dial Bandits

They called the cops on themselves. Literally.

Being an emergency services operator must be one of the most demanding jobs that you can do sitting down every day, you have to be the calm and reassuring voice that helps some poor soul who is having a very, very bad day. 

Be that sending police to a mugging, paramedics to a traffic collision or getting firefighters to a burning house.  But sometimes there is light relief, in May of 2013 such comic relief came for one dispatcher as a pair of bungling car thieves in California butt dialled 911. 

First, they were overheard discussing their desire to smoke some weed, and as the curious operator listened in, they overheard the pair break into a car and celebrate at finding some prescription medications as they took the car.

Little did they know the dispatcher was able to put together where they were and sent a squad car to intercept the inept pair. ‘He’s right f-ing behind me, dude,’ said Teklemariam as the fuzz closed in on the car ‘Oh, he’s following me, Dog…he’s following the f- out of me bro, Wow, what do I do?’ What you do, dog, is go to prison.

When they were pulled over, they tried to play it cool until the police started to quote back parts of their conversation verbatim. Once the pair realized their gaff, one of the suspects simply said, “This fool really called 911? Damn.”

Albert Bailey – The Courtesy Call Crook

Called ahead to schedule his robbery. Polite and arrested.

As we know, most of a heist is down to the planning.  It can be difficult to make sure that every aspect of your nefarious plan comes off without a hitch, so I guess it makes sense for Albert Bailey to call ahead, just to make sure.

On March of 2010 in Fairfield, Connecticut, Albert Bailey called the bank he was planning to rob, the People’s Bank in Fairfield, and told the stunned cashier that if $100,000 in large bills were not ready for him to pick up, there would be a ‘blood bath’. Somehow managing to keep a straight face, the cashier said they would certainly do that, hung up and immediately called 911.

When Bailey and an accomplice came to collect the money, they waited in line, politely handed a note to the cashier who handed over about $900 in used bills and without fuss left the bank, into the squad car that had been parked around the corner waiting for them.

To add insult to injury, the stack of notes that was given to the pair turned out to be a dye pack, which exploded as they left the bank.  Bailey, who was on probation for an armed robbery, was handed a 9-year sentence for his part in this very polite robbery.

Ruben Zarate – Leave a Message After the Crime

Left his number. Came back later. Got arrested. 10/10 follow-through.

It’s inconvenient when you need to speak to someone who is away from the office. Do you wait? Come back later? One robber–Ruben Zarate–decided to leave a contact number so that the muffler shop he was trying to hold up could call him back at a more convenient time.

In March of 2008, Zarate walked into Velasquez Mufflers for Less in Chicago, wearing a mask to hide his identity and demanded that they open the safe.  Keeping their cool, the staff told him that it would not be possible because only the manager had access to the safe.

Zarate didn’t get a weapon and a mask for nothing, though, so thinking on his feet, he left his contact number for them to call him when the manager got in.  When they did call to tell him the manager was there, he found that the police were also waiting for him.

So, there you have it, my friends, the dumbest crooks this side of the police academy films. Be sure to shout out in the comments if you can think of any that I have missed.